Had a slight change in plans... very slight.

We still have to be out of our current place, so I still have to go on a hiatus of unknown length. Our landlord just agreed to not require us to be out-out on Friday. He says he's willing to fudge it until Wednesday.

But, it's going to be extremely expensive to move all our things down to Richmond. $750 is the rock-bottom cheapest it goes... at least until after Thanksgiving. There's also the issue of safely getting The Girls down. The cheapest truck is only a two-seater, which is... kind of a problem. And what if it doesn't work out?

We've made the decision has been made that we're going to take a 2 week "vacation" in Richmond, VA. A rental car that would fit all of us would only cost $150 a week.

We'll go down, pound the pavement, and hope for the best. Mom's unemployment ran out this week and there's no information about when she'll possibly get it back -- if ever. Michigan doesn't exactly have the most streamlined or prepared system to handling this thing.

The idea is that if we find something in Richmond, we'll have just enough money to get our stuff down and make first month's rent and deposit. Mom would run back north, leave us in Richmond and get our stuff. If it doesn't, we'll have just enough money to back to Grand Rapids and find an apartment.

I suppose right now, my greatest fear is that we'll go down and nothing will happen while we're there. But the day we arrive back in Grand Rapids, the calls will come in. It just terrifies me, because we have such a narrow margin to work with in the first place.

I'm more scared not to try, though. I'm scared that if I don't take this leap of faith, I'll never be able to grow as a person.

I think we've all had this happen: You call up a service-oriented business just looking for a quote. They give their whole spiel and you have that sinking feeling that this is more expensive than you bargained for. On they go, promising the best service available and competitive rates and all the bells and whistles.

And whammo! It's not only more expensive, but they've smashed it out of the ballpark and through your windshield. You're gasping for breath... it's not just sticker shock, it's shell-shock. And their sales pitch... just keeps going...

You manage to get out that its expensive and the sales pitch continues, undaunted. You need this and they're willing to talk to their managers to make it happen. You try to say "No, thank you" and they can get you a lower rate that's only slightly less shocking than the original quote. They want this sale and they're willing to sacrifice a few first born sons to do it.

Wouldn't it be nice to have a "STOP" button? A nice, big red one the size of a house.

Your company is out of my league, sweetheart. You can stop your pitch now. kthxbai

Why does everyone seem to think getting rid of pets is necessary before making a move? Sure, it would be easier not having the little extra bodies to look after but the same could be said about children. Especially the small ones.

Maybe I'm just strange, but to me surrendering my pets just because I'm moving is completely unthinkable.

The bookshelves just marched out the door with Neil and his brother to help fill their homes. I am so lucky I have such easy-going cats... I guess Echo has more or less accepted things marching out the door as the new normal. She's turning in circles in front of me getting ear scratches.

I refused to go with my grandparents down to defraud get food from the church the church. I shouldn't be this satisfied by the hurt in their voices with my curt "Nope" in regards to them asking if I was coming. But I am.

We have only a few days left to make up our mind where we're going. Tuesday, the park is taking us to court again to have us evicted, which my mom has no plans to attend since its way at the south end of the county. (They closed the northern courthouse to "save money" after a length political melodrama that had nothing to do with saving money.)

Which will likely give us until the 27th to pack up and leave. Not like that's a hard thing. We're mostly packed. But that leaves us with a few quandaries that -- in our usual style -- are working themselves out.

Fishwife (our next-door neighbor who likes to screech at all hours of the day and night) sent her youngest son over with her cell number and a note to call her. Apparently she knows someone who is buying trailers. I thanked her and saved it for mom for later. (Not without screeching at her kids and damn near breaking my eardrum.) So that might solve the issue of the trailer.

So that leaves: Where do we go?

Do we go to a local apartment? I got an e-mail requesting my resume for a possible SQL Help Desk job from a local recruiter/headhunter, but none of their leads have ever panned out.

Do we move out of state? Where out of state? Virginia? Maryland? DC?

If we move out of state, we'll have enough money to get there, but no money to come back if it doesn't work out. But I think Neil summed it up best with "But what would you have to come back to?"

Basically all that's holding us in the state is fear. We wax and wane between determination and paralyzing fear without much of anything between those two poles. I'm sick to death of my family treating us like crap, but this silence is about all I have to fight them with.

All that leaves is how to get where-ever we're going. The hows will present themselves, like they always do.

Poppa (Mom's dad) is at our house even as we speak. Just dropped by. Tried calling twice, but we were outside. Rather than wait for us to call him back, he's here right now.

Reason he stopped over? A local church is giving away food! Oh yes, lets defraud a church's food pantry and say we're from different households. We can be selfish, what they don't know won't hurt anyone! *snort*

Course, he arranges it with mom... not a word to me and Jass isn't here to say "no." Going to get an awful shock tomorrow, aren't they?

For the first time in years, my mom started out her birthday actually pretty chipper. I was delighted! Normally she's morosely depressed for her birthday. This time, she actually seemed upbeat. We discussed getting her a lemon filled éclair with chocolate frosting and maybe seeing if we could get her a few instance runs on Adashi before the raids tonight. (Can't afford real presents... but darnit, donuts and heroics we can do!)

Until Aunt Karla called. Nice conversation to start and then came the catty remarks. Among the zingers, she says she doesn't know why she came back [to Michigan], the family doesn't pay enough attention or something to her. Lets see... she puts us on her shit list, acts catty and mean whenever we see her, gives ultimatums that she won't attend family functions if we're invited, and then declares that? Wow, Dr. Phil would have a field day with this family!!

Now my mom is tearful, sighing wistfully, and morose. Gee, thanks Catty Karla. You're a real peach.

And there's still two more family members left to call to give mom her "birthday greetings" -- Sheba and Aunt Kathy. Sheba better behave and mind her tongue. Or I might just have to hurt that hateful old hag!

Does "Don't take it Personally" include a clause about wanting to choke a bitch? >_< Yeah, I'm not doing so well on the whole "not taking it personally" thing. *giggles*

We're continuing to take things to Goodwill and consignment stores. There's something very addictive and cathartic to letting go of all this stuff. I don't miss anything.

Well... I did have a brief pang about my comic collection a couple days ago, but 2 months after the fact is a little late to recover them. Wasn't like I was actually reading them.

It's all just stuff and unnecessary. Besides, it'll make the move far easier.

Also trying to work myself into a state when I stop taking things personally. It's a waste of emotion to take anything personally. Frankly, very little of this has anything to do with Mom, Jass, or me. In some cases, the person dishing out the crap wants us to take it personally. It's a reflection -- or maybe a kind of misdirection -- of themselves.

For example: I think Poppa finally realizes we're serious. He won't actually speak to Jass or me, but he keeps suddenly locating job hints after a year of "sucks to be you" attitude. Again, this has nothing to do with us. I still plan to leave and engage in that nice long vacation from our family. I just think he's finally realizing he's about to lose.

I can't say it's easy. It's SO hard. Last 25 man raid in WoW, I wanted to take a snotty comment personally. Cue deep breaths, roll my eyes, and make the omnipresent cat on my desk squeal her indignation as I flip her onto her back to blow raspberries on a furry tummy.

I can't take it personally anymore; I'm all out of Sunshine, binkies, and Scratching-Post Sisal. Thus, I refuse to accept: "Thank you for the gift, but I think you have more use of it than I do."

Five days ago, I posted a private entry of the same name so now I think its time to post this publicly and put this to rest.

I am a single woman; that does not mean I am available.

No, I am not available to be your Fuck Stop.

No, I am not available for your Mid-life Crisis.

No, this is not a challenge for you to get with me.

No, this is not a challenge for you to set me up.

No, I am not playing hard to get.

No, I am not some angry bitch queen.

No, I do not need to be "fixed" or "repaired."

No, my vagina does not have an "open for business" sign on it.


I shouldn't have to explain that I'm quite content being single and why I have never married. I was complete the day I was born, I don't need a penis between my legs to be complete. I will not be measured by the male I am able to attract. I am more than my sex.


So stop. Just stop.


This is a lifestyle choice. My choice. I would rather be happy and single than with a man and miserable.

I really don't have the right personality for being someone's little wife. I am so much more fulfilled by the friends I make than any man I have ever been with.

Guys get their little Male-PMS thing going and all I want is to thrash them with a rolled up newspaper. I won't stay quiet and let them take it out on me. I'm more likely to pelt them with eggs than walk on egg-shells. I'm more likely to walk out and let him stew in an empty house for the night. I'm more likely to divorce him and be done with it.




I've heard that verbal and emotional abuse after marriage is so common that some marriage counselors are telling their patients its normal. That is utter bull. But yet... I have heard woman after woman tell me that she got so she could tell by the way her husband drove, walked, or whatever coming up the street to their home what kind of an evening they were going to have. He seethes with an inexplicable and generic rage. And since he'd get his ass kicked if he did it in public... he's about to take it out on his family. And she's having to run interference to protect the kids from the wrath of his man-tantrum.

It's a sad and darkly funny commentary in a way. We women will share stories and information regarding our families and our own health... right now to the color, volume, and consistency of the bodily fluids involved. But do we compare notes and kick his ass like he really needs? No. Most women stay quiet, try to ignore it, and hope it gets better. All the while feeling torn. They love him deeply but resent - just as deeply - the way they are being treated. Only when they feel like they're going to explode do they come to a close friend to let it out. But should he be confronted he either minimizes it or acts remorseful just long enough...

I'm choosing to say no. I don't want to deal with it. My heart and my ears are still open to my friends. But I'm not interested in bringing it into my own life.

Whew. Now that I have that off my chest. It's not easy convincing people of my choice either.

I've had people come right out and demand to know if I'm a lesbian because somehow I'm nearly 30 and not married and haven't squeezed out a few kids. I guess there's some unwritten rule that women should get married, have 2.5 kids, and perform wifely duties or else there's something wrong with them. I've literally had people damn near spittle-shrieking over my decision.

It's crazy, but so many people find it inconceivable that I could think this way.

So, here comes the endless parade of people trying to set me up.

Here's the wolves sniffing my crotch and howling at my door. It gets so old so fast when somehow me being nice, friendly, and approachable equates to "ZOMG HAVE SEX WITH ME!"

It's like "Me Male, you Female! We're compatible!" They put far more effort into learning about who is servicing their car than the cunny they're looking to plunder.

No one has actually ever come out and asked what I want.

In the end, it boils down to me making a lifestyle choice. This is my official announcement that I have made it.

Trying to rewrite my resume again, this time to send to employers in the Northern Virginia, DC, and Maryland areas. The fact is, an entry level resume isn't that exciting.

It's not so much an issue of confidence. I have complete faith I could do the jobs I'm applying for; but, it's convincing a total stranger of that. Yes, they might have to train me... but I've had the honor of pleasantly surprising every employer I've worked for at the speed I can learn and apply the skills they give me. It's also convincing them that while I'm not local yet, I want to move to their area.

So, off to the internet I go. Some of the stuff regarding job searching is amazingly... metaphysical sounding. Almost like religious writings. If they were using other language, they might sound exactly like some of the new age metaphysical stuff. Or maybe crazy cult writing. Just without the heavy incense. And suits instead of strange robes. Some of this stuff you probably need a degree program just to learn how to translate and apply it.

I'm kind of jealous of anyone who went to a college and got realistic resume and job search help. After my classes with Baker, I'm still stumped on how to write effective resumes and cover letters. Not understanding how to write an objective / summary, I completely omitted one. Nothing I write is considered "strong" despite straight A's in my traditional writing classes. It's obviously a different language, totally different syntax... despite looking like English.

Posted to as many career and lifestyle forums as I could, asking for advice on how to sell myself to out-of-state employers. I'm trying things first with just my e-mail and portfolio address. If that doesn't work, I'll see about a virtual PO box and a virtual phone number from Vonage.

And if all else fails: screw it. I'll just take the leap of faith and hope I land on something soft.

People love setting me up on dates and giving me relationship advice. Their advice is usually not very good and their taste in guys is worse. While I'm a female geek and do look for the type of guy I call the "sexy geek"; their choice in guys to try setting me up with generally fall into "child geek", "frog geek", or "creep geek" categories.

Examples:

Child: 21 year old Naruto fan who was stuck -- and I do mean permanently stuck -- in the young adolescent phase where "penis", "vagina", "scrotum", and "testicle" were hilarious words. Our date made me feel like I was in Big Brothers Big Sisters and I was out to dinner with an 11 or 12 year old boy. >_<

Frog: The geek who was still furious about how he was treated in High School and was verbal about it, despite being in his 30s. He was still socially awkward, irrationally geeky, and dismayed that girls don't like him. As he's nerd raging over some video game PVP event his team won but he got a completely harmless prank effect thrown at him, I'm looking for a way out. This frog ain't going to improve if I kiss him.

Creep: Go over to his house for the first date to play Final Fantasy and listen to him play his guitar. Oh, and the 3am phone calls. Oh, and he'll be shit-faced drunk by the time I get there too. (Hell no!)



When I refuse the advice: "But Sally! They're perfect for you."

I have to give President Obama credit, he's gotten everyone talking about the state of American health care. And that's a good thing. Our health care system is very broken and it does need a lot of work.

However, I'm one of the many Americans who have doubts about the President's plan. It all sounds way too much like a disingenuous line we might hear from a campaign, rather than a plan. It all sounds very romantic and pretty, but with precious few details about how the plan is going to be implemented. Basically, the super-privileged making policy for the rest of us and not considering the real world. Before I can ever think to consider this... I'd need some questions answered. Truthfully.

1. How exactly is this going to be paid for? This isn't going to be cheap. How exactly do you plan to cover all these people while still paying health care providers?


2. Who decides who gets what? I've heard in several interviews statements like "[we] will have to buck up" and that we won't be able to get tests and other procedures "a la carte." But what about people like me who require specialized tests as a standard practice for the treatment of our medical condition? Every 120 days I have to undergo an HbA1c test to verify how well I'm controlling my blood glucose levels. Under the new health care reform, will I be able to get this? Should my mother have a heart attack am I going to be on the phone trying to convince some ill-informed bureaucrat that women can and do have heart attacks? Or is it going to be decided by my doctor?


3. Require Health Care: Way to drive up costs more? Most of the states that require auto insurance enjoy some of the highest costs associated with it. Is the same going to happen once it's required by law? Is having to pay for health care going to break working families? Unless we could get it for low cost, we'd be sunk having to pay yet another bill that we couldn't get out of.


4. Five Hour Waits! Art thou on the way? Suppose this plan passes... am I someday going to have to wait 5 hours if I'm forced to go to the Emergency room? Wait 6 months to 2 years to get a cancer screening? These are all realities in some countries with government-run health care.

I have to admit, I like the idea of coverage for everyone. I've been in the situation where I make too much for Medicaid, but too little to be able to afford health care. Right now, due to the economic conditions in Michigan, the Medicaid program only serves children and the disabled. Under the plan, we could probably get something. So I do appreciate the value. We aren't looking for a handout. We're not sitting around eating bon-bons and watching soap operas all day, wanting the state to support us. We're looking for a chance.

However, until the disingenuous rhetoric dies down and we get some real details, I wouldn't ever support this.

For some reason nothing on the internet likes me today. Facebook says there's a problem in the AJAX that controls the notes, my blog says Akismet Antispam is being blocked by a firewall. Another site is slow to load and another doesn't seem to exist right now. (Of course I'm connected to the internet!)

Trying to clean up an RSS feed parser I wrote; right now it's nowhere near as clean as it should be. I didn't think of it as a portfolio project when I made it until Jeremy pointed that out. Tempted to trash it and just make my second attempt cleaner from the start. Right now it gets the job done, but doesn't look pretty.

Packing and downsizing is still going nicely. The shed is completely done, the house getting there. Still working on jobs and housing, but those will come in time. :-)

I had a breakthrough when it comes to my mom, which is allowing us to get rid of some super bulky things. We ended up being the designated family storage place at some point, which means we had things given to us that the family didn't want anymore but couldn't part with. Growing up, we had huge piles of junk in our basement. All things actually belonging to our family. At one point, we were even storing a boat. We managed to get rid of most of it over the years, but there's still some things.

One of the big things are 1000 - 2000 photo slides. I remember being just utterly dismayed when the first load came in and utterly furious when the second load arrived. In addition to the slides, there's the screen, projector, lightbox, lights, and more. While I totally understand the importance of all those family photos... holy crap, that's a lot of junk. Trying to figure out a compromise, I discovered this little gem. And mom happily agreed to part with all the slide equipment so long as we got her the converter someday.

She also has an old microfiche reader and a collection of the actual microfiche. Some of the collection was old genealogy books, which I was able to find and download from Google books. Missing just one book, but I think once we're more financially secure I'll start watching eBay and Amazon for it. The rest of the records can all be found on Ancestry.com, which made for one happy lady. (And ecstatic daughter when I saw everything going into the "get rid of" pile!)

So anyway, we have another car- or truck-load of stuff to go to the consignment shop and we're getting rid of more junk. Letting go has never felt so good.

Been going through more things that belonged to me during that stage in my life I played EverQuest. Some items just shock me: I really had that? I really thought this was cool? I used to listen to trance and all my kinetic sculptures would be going... wow, are those things noisy. No wonder mom has trouble hearing. ^_~ I really did think it was cool.

Discovering lots of things I should have given up years ago when my tastes changed. Like a huge, heavy box of... blurry photos? A few rolls I kept for some reason when my light meter broke and I didn't realize it. So, off to the trash with those. I discover the negatives to photos I sold to our High School Sports Office, way back in maybe my Junior year. Photos from my Kite flying days that just has a faint line of pink to suggest a kite might be there.

Then I discover all my old things from when I was a Guide on the Quellious server in EverQuest. That brings back some memories. I trained apprentices towards the end of my 5 year run as a Guide and processed their reports to submit. Wow, there's my old Dragon Tour I used to take brand new guides on. My vague directions through the Dragon Necropolis as only a Guide or GM could go. Wow, I miss that run. Once I told one of the major raiding guilds on the server "Off the record, you guys are nuts!" *grin* I still have notes detailing some of the times I was asked to help them with wipe recovery when the server crashed. Guess I wanted details for my guide report for those days.

Lists of my fellow guides, then the guide liason and the GMs I worked with. Wow, memories.

Good people... I miss them all.

Below that, the EverQuest games. I have the original box to the orginal game, then Kunark, Velious, Luclin, Planes of Power, and onward. There's enough cloth maps to make a quilt and a tiny toy sword that I somehow remember being a model of the one you got from Guk.

The games don't take up that much room, but I'm still not sure what to do with them. I won't ever play again, can't really sell them, but man... these are the first things I've run into that make me truly hesitate.

Since the sofa won't be coming with us, I've been spending a little time exploring the online showrooms for Ikea and other discount (and non-discount) furniture shops. Probably won't be able to act on it anytime soon, but its a nice distraction. (I'm convinced you need just a hint of schizophrenia to survive long term layoffs and unemployment. A dash of denial helps too. You should try it.)

Either way, a girl can dream. So I select "Living Room" and "Sofas." Page after page after endless page of.... White upholstery?? Are they serious? Or is this a covert and elaborate economic stimulus package to fix our economy via cleaning services?

Behold! The brave Maasi hunter enters the fluffy, white savanna of the living room. He spies his prey, the vile kitty cat who mauled his G.I Joe not a day before. Slowly he approaches. Within range, he springs over the arm of the sofa. His shoes leave black scuffs of great justice and a flurry of shed fur as the villain flees. His sippy cup falls, scattering drops of grape juice like rich, purple blood upon the pristine whiteness.

And lo! The great domestic goddess solves it all with a call to Stanley Steamer, the carpet cleaners! Yet another push towards economic recovery! Yippie! Praise be the soldiers of economic recovery!

Okay, someone level with me. The person(s) who came up with this trend are those strange, ultra clean people... aren't they?

You know, the ones who don't have pets, kids, or deal with the occasional chucklenut who couldn't hold a glass if his life depended on it. They obviously never have to sleep or take a nap on the couch either. Probably never had to deal with a leaky diaper either... be it adult or infant.

To be fair, they had a few options for most of the sofas: Granny Floral, cream, beige, and ecru. A few offered bizarre, eye-searing plaids and baby-vomit pastels (think the early 90s) just for giggles.

Thanks for the laugh, designers! I really needed that. But can you show me the real upholstery now?

EDIT: evil_kimba, your RW action figures are on their way. ^_^ Thank you so much for giving them a home! <3

The rapid push to move before we wind up homeless continues. I opened a box and found 5 Ronin Warriors action figures.

They're in their original packaging, unopened. I got them from Big Lots back when I was at college the first time and they still have their $2.99 "Great Bargain!" sticker on them.

I have:
- Ryo
- Cye
- Sage
- Cale
- "Hariel" (White Armor Ryo)

I don't have room for them anymore. If you want them, please say so now and give me your address so I can ship them to you. You have one week before I take them off to the local Goodwill. This is first-come, first-serve, unfortunately. I would prefer they go to a fellow fan than wind up destroyed by some little kid. >_<

*HUGS* Thanks

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Yes, I do.

Back when my dog, Luna, was a puppy we would play quietly on my bed. It was a routine we did as I was waking up each morning or after a stressful day at college. We'd lay on our backs and I would tickle under her muzzle. She would attempt to "nibble" my fingertips and would swing her paws to try to trap my arm. I'd also blow lightly into her nose or lightly pinch her canine teeth. The play wasn't rough, but rather quiet, gentle, relaxing, and bonding.

When she was maybe 6 months old, we were doing this same thing one lazy Sunday afternoon. I don't know if she swung or I rose up into her paw... but she sliced my right eyelid open.

I make sure all my animals know some very basic commands as soon as possible: "No", "Stop", and "Come". When I ordered "stop," she stopped instantly and froze in place. I de-tangled her little nail from my eye and ran to the bathroom.

While I waited for help to arrive, I cuddled her. She was very distressed, cowering, submissive.

I ended up going to the ER to get stitches. It wasn't bad, there wasn't any damage done to my eye... it was just my eyelid. (I found out years later I do have a very small scratch on my cornea.) In fact, I was cracking jokes as I went through the ER and got my Tetanus booster, etc.

When I got home, though, my beautiful puppy was still cowering. Still far more submissive than normal. Every time she looked up at the bandage over my right eye, she was whimpering. Even after my eye healed, she'd see a bandaid and would become distressed.

Eventually, she became my service dog. But she still doesn't like seeing bandaids or wound dressing.

Since Dallas and Richmond still seem to be about equal, I spent most of the day investigating Richmond, VA colleges. I want to finish my computer science degree someday, so planning the move to include going back makes a certain amount of sense.

The dilemma comes in when you're a non-traditional student looking to join a college or university. Most higher education institutions are planned with the 18 - 21 demographic in mind. Transfer guidelines are strict and continuing or adult educational programs are, well, skimpy at best.

I can send you my ACT/SAT scores; but, I hope you don't mind 11 year old scores.

I wish I had had the foresight back in college the first time to pursue computer science. However, at 18 I wanted nothing more than for my estranged family members to love me, acknowledge me, look at me without negatively comparing me to another cousin who made it into Harvard or some other prestigious school. So I chose something based on what I thought would make them happy with me. And naturally, I failed. I had the chance to switch majors to computer science, but I my heart wasn't in it anymore.

Now, at almost 30... I'm in a bit of dilemma. I called and discussed admissions with a few colleges and found myself pointed towards their adult educational programs and their transfer student information.

A letter of recommendation from a former professor, seriously? What are the odds they remember me after this long?

Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of the personal enrichment programs. I plan on pushing mom to take a few, just to keep her mind active since dementia runs in the family. (Though I don't think she's in too much danger watching her tear through the Hellfire Peninsula in WoW.) But they're not what I want. I don't want to be limited to paralegal, nursing, or a small handful of degrees. But apparently, at 30, I to prove I'm a serious student even more than I did at 18.

Which blows.

(Tagged from: 7th Cavalry Guild Forums)



My ancient, battered, but oh-so-comfortable computer chair. The cats used to scratch the arms when they were kittens, so the arms have huge holes in the upholstery. I threw a scrap of polar fleece over the right arm. Someday I'll replace it.

Tag: Anyone who feels like participating. ;)

One thing I wanted to do with my new blog designs and social networking sites was get an up-to-date picture of myself to display.

I don't have a digital camera or a cell phone... and not sure who does around me. Jass has an older pre-paid cell that he uses to make calls from work. So that won't work.

I suddenly remembered my webcam, so I went spelunking in the closet to see if I could find it. Yippie! Found! But the disk was strangely curved. Fearing the worst, I pulled it out of its envelope and discovered it was cracked right in half.

To teh Intarwebz, Batman! Grabbed the software from the Logitech site, went to install, and discovered that the current version of the software and driver aren't compatible with my camera. There's no sign of the old versions of the software and driver either.

So back to the drawing board.


EDIT: WOOT! I umm, wouldn't suggest the site I found the software/driver on... but it works!